10,000B.C.

Where do I even begin?

I guess I’ll start at 10,001B.C. so you know what’s going on. In 10,001B.C. the Earth is very small. You can walk from somewhere that would have to be northern Eurasia to Cairo in a week. I know what you’re thinking, “Jon, wouldn’t that be impossible today?” Well, in 2009A.D. it would be impossible. However, in 10,001B.C. the earth was pretty much the size of Rhode Island. Also, people walked everywhere back then. According to the Dr. Grant, the people back then walked much faster than we do today; approximately 35-45MPH.

Here’s another stupid question I get from people. “Weren’t the pyramids in Cairo built around 2,500B.C. or later?” People need to stop listening to “archeologists” (the only one I acknowledge is Dr. Jones) and start watching this freaking movie again so Warner Bros. can make some damn money.

So some “Mannok” (stupid word for mammoth) hunter has dad issues and then his shorty gets taken by some guys on horses. They take the shortest route to Cairo by taking the Eurasia Trail and following it through the heart of the Africa to end up in Egypt. When they get to the Egyptians….sorry…..Desert Gods, they find pyramids being built by Mannoks and that shit just ain’t happening. Also, I learned that the best way to build a pyramid is to start at the top and work your way down.

They hear some story that I wasn’t listening to because the guy telling it looked like a cross between the Pre-Cogs in Minority Report and the guy from Mad Magazine. Blah Blah Blah something about hunters and the Pharoah or whatever is pissed about Camilla Belle’s hand. I wasn’t looking at her hands.

At this point you’re going to have to forgive me because my bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats was captivating me and I just wanted this movie to be over. Some guy shoots Camilla Belle with an arrow and kills her, but then an old woman kills herself back in Eurasia and it’s all “Screw you bro! Shorty is alive!”

The Eurasians travel back through the jungles of Africa and find Eurasia where they start harvesting plants like pros.

I’m going to call this movie 10,000F.M. for 10,000 Fucking Minutes because that’s how long this thing lasted for.